Why " 50 shades of Grey" could become so popular
During sex and relationships, there are two complete opposite desires intermingling. On the one hand our desire to bind ourselves, to find a partner whom we can spend the rest of our lives with and on the other hand our desire to experience what we truly are, to feel deeply.
Self-acting, we link those two incentives and as a result we get entangled in all kinds of rational complications where the search for passion (feeling deeply) is the incentive and we are unable to determine whether a certain partner is good for us or not.
We often miss baggage from our upbringing which is necessary to figure out whether someone really ‘suits you’. But what kind of person ‘suits you’? Someone who stimulates you and whom you can grow with, someone who challenges you but can provide for a certain security at the same time. Someone who gives you the opportunity to grow from dependence to independence.
If you have been brought up as a child in those ideal circumstances, you are very likely to find a partner that carries this balance between challenge and security later on in your life. However, when we are confused about this (the balance between challenge and security), our unconscious goes out looking for this balance by using trial and error. The one moment we will find a partner that only challenges us and can even terrify us, when the next moment we find a partner who is too caring and this will work stifling in time.
By trial and error, heartbreak and a lot of self-awareness, you can find a partner whom you can grow with and you will experience that a healthy relationship also consists of creating space for the process of finding challenge and security in a partner. Our partner is not always the passionate God or Goddess, but someone whom we can explore sexuality with and we should have the courage to occasionally let our companion go and to step out of our comfort zones into communication and transparency. Our partner is also not the perfect comfortable save haven, but in a relationship, we learn to feel more and more safety in ourselves and to eventually share some of that safety.
The above-mentioned is the clear explanation for the popularity of films like ’50 shades of Grey’. If not for the other incentives we are constantly being exposed to,we would be fine and would not get caught up in destructive relationships, if we just kept growing and working on ourselves.
But this is just the simple explanation....
The desire to live life fully and the desire for death combined, in ancient-Greek is called Eros and Thanatos. They are the two incentives that do not work on a relational or rational level. They are hidden deep in our psyche waiting for us to understand their urges.
Because we like to experience passion in a relationship and also want to commit to one partner, we do constantly link those incentives to our desires in a commited relationship.
There is nothing wrong with this and it can even be very fulfilling, but if we are not aware of those two incentives steering our ‘experiencing, we can end up in humiliating relationships in which we physically and or mentally abuse or are being abused. We keep repeatedly looking for these experiences because we cannot feel and find what truly fulfills us: experiencing space, connection in freedom, autonomy.
Gaining an insight into Tantra can help you see that your desire for ‘experiencing’, to the extend of the intensity of life you are ready to engage in, is you living on the edge because you want to experience strong feelings. The unconsiousnes desire to wanting to live fully and to disappear in death.
But what is closest to living on the edge? Bungee jumping for example, but also: experiencing a strong orgasm while blindfolded and tied up. And someone you love threatening to leave you, berating you and humiliating you. These are all situations you would not logically seek, but they are situations that bring Eros and Thanatos, the desire to live and the desire to disappear completely, close to our direct experience.
In Tantra, there has been developed an ingeniously precise system to get in touch with every human primal desire for living and death and everything in between through Mantra’s, fire-rituals and extremely conscious practice of touch an experience. Tantra brings you in contact with forces of nature within your own body like storm, thunder, floods, darkness, dazzling light, being locked up or complete freedom. All these feelings are hidden in your own experiencing and even though a relationship with a ‘bad’ partner can help gaining insight into yourself, it is nice to know that there is also another way that brings you in contact with your deepest human incentives and to develop those on a level that is deeper than only the psychological level.
In Tantra, your whole life is a quest to finding out what ‘experiencing deeply’ truly is, what our desires are and where they come from. If only that could become a little more mainstream , it would result in beautiful books and films. ;)
- Jacqueline Ananya Snelder for www.soultantra.nl